Most years about this time, I find myself remembering the agony of staying seated in church on Mother's Day while all the moms were supposed to stand for recognition. I can still feel the salty tears trying to escape my eyes, the sobs trapped in my throat, and the anxiety welling up throughout my whole being. It was excruciating, year after year, to sit there and dwell on my empty arms.
I had no desire to actually stand up and be noticed--I prefer not to call attention to myself (which is SUCH a struggle for me as an author who has to promote herself--talk about a conflicted girl!)--but I so very much wanted THE REASON to stand up.
I wanted my son.
Oh, I didn't know who he was yet, or even that he was a he--or that he wouldn't be born of my body. But I was waiting for him. And it hurt a bit most days, but no days more than Mother's Day.
Once that moment in church was over, I could relax. The pain didn't disappear, but I joyfully celebrated my own mom, mom-in-law, and all moms!
My friends were having babies left and right, and I loved that! I never begrudged a friend her baby. God is good and provided me many opportunities to have littles in my life through ministry and babysitting.
But my hubby and I wanted the Lord to entrust us with one of our own. It was hard to try to think of why He would withhold a child from us--a couple who strongly desired to be parents--when we saw many parents who quite obviously viewed their kids as nuisances at best, and some who even mistreated their children. (This was when we were out and about, or when my husband was at work--he counsels troubled kids and families--not anyone we knew personally at the time.)
After being married for almost fifteen years, we finally became parents, through adoption, to the most wonderful son ever! The waiting was over--except then it wasn't, because there were complications with the adoption. It was another ten months of falling in love with and bonding with our son--all the while uncertain about what the court outcome would be--before at last it became final.
The three of us were a family.
Let me share with you ten important things I learned about waiting--things I didn't even realize I was processing until at some point afterward. If you're waiting for a child or waiting for anything dear to you, maybe you will be encouraged.
- There is a purpose. There are so many things God wants to teach us and ways He wants to minister to us through intense times of waiting. I had to decide over and over: Do I trust Him, or not?
- You're not necessarily doing anything wrong. I remember sometimes wondering if I was committing some grave sin I wasn't aware of that caused God to withhold a child from me; and my husband--who I consider to be more spiritually mature than I am--had similar thoughts about himself at times. While it is always a wise thing to examine our lives against the truths of Scripture, waiting doesn't always mean punishment from God. He is always good and always allows what is best for us, even if it doesn't feel the slightest bit good.
- Live in the now. Whatever we're waiting for, we can live fully right now. We have everything we need in this moment, so let's not wait until the next phase--no matter how much more wonderful we think it will be--to make the most of our time. God always gives us plenty to do, and being about His business gives us less time to dwell on what we don't have.
- The wait will be worth it. A realization that struck me with force soon after God gave us our son was that, if we had received a child sooner, it wouldn't have been the one we received! Our beloved son is the one who belongs with us, and no one else can be who he is. Even if we never receive some of the things we think we want, we can trust that God has something just as good or better for us!
- Be grateful. Sometimes it seems the things we desire are more prominent in our thoughts than all that we have. God gives us so much, and He deserves our gratitude and praise.
- Never mind what people say, and focus on the truth. Sometimes well-meaning people will say hurtful things--wanting to help, but not understanding how their words will sound. Try not to focus on their actual words, but on the hearts behind them. Saturate your mind with the truth of God's Word--His words AND His heart are completely trustworthy!
- Don't make infertility treatment decisions based on feeling pressured. This goes hand-in-hand with #6. When people say, "You should try _________" (any number of things could fill that blank), thank them for the suggestion, but don't feel obligated to do anything God doesn't impress upon you to do. If you are a well-meaning friend or family member of a couple wanting to conceive, a sensitive way to approach a suggestion is to ask the person if they are open to hearing it, rather than assuming they want to.
- Waiting develops patience. Patience is important for a future parent . . . and for a person in general!
- It's okay to be sad. Something I've learned more recently is that it's important to take time to grieve when the need arises. There are so many ways these days to avoid feeling. But ignoring emotions isn't authentic, and they are going to show themselves eventually in one way or another. Better to cry it out now than to act out in bitterness weeks or months from now. I'm not suggesting we wallow in sadness and self-pity, but honestly express our emotions instead of repress them.
- God sees the big picture. That's one of the many reasons it's so important to trust Him. We think we know when and how something should happen, but we are seeing such a limited part of the whole grand design--how can we think we know better than God? He knows your pain in waiting, but He knows why it would be so much more painful to have what we want when we want it. There is comfort in waiting on His timing if we trust Him.
Oh, how my heart goes out to you if you long to be a mom right now. There's nothing wrong with wanting, and God understands the desire of your heart. He hears you and cares about your pain because He loves you SO much! Hang in there, dear one. Wait well. If you're feeling alone, you are welcome to email me. I don't offer infertility advice, but I'm a good listener. :)
Choose joy,
Laurel
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