Laurel A. Ness: Adoption Isn't Second-Best!

There have been certain times in my life when I've wished someone had pulled me aside and let me in on some information I was missing, so I'd have understood the situation better and not stuck my foot in my mouth. That is where I'm coming from in the writing of this blog post--a loving informer.

It has been on my heart for awhile now, and I finally have the will to write about it for real, not just in my fiction stories. Adoption is complicated on some levels, but on others--the ones that most matter--it's not so different from having biological children. People who haven't adopted or who aren't close to any adoptive families may not understand. There are definitely those with misconceptions. Let me explain:

Adoption isn't an inferior way to have children.

My own child is adopted.

He is and always has been meant to be my son as much as he would have been had he been born from my body.

God knits families together, and He isn't one to give people second-best.

I don't choose to try to remember who said what, but I vaguely recall people commenting to me in the midst of chit-chat, before any of us knew they were talking to a future adoptive mom, that there was no way an adopted child could be loved as much as biologicals. I know others have been told the same thing. Excuse me while I go grab a tissue . . .

I knew in my heart of hearts that that couldn't be right. Now I know it in my very soul and in my experience, too.

A few years ago, when I had to have my cancerous uterus removed from my body, I remember there were well-meant-I'm-sure comments about how sorry people were that I would now definitely never be able to give birth--that my chances were all gone. I'm aware I'm not the only one who has been offered similar sympathies.

Thank you for caring. Really! Thank you for your love. But let me share with you (because I love you, too) . . .

. . . Giving birth doesn't make a biological mother a mom. Providing the sperm doesn't make a biological father a dad. It just doesn't. There are biological mothers and fathers (and adoptive ones, too, I'm sure) who aren't moms or dads. Biology isn't what makes a family a true family.

I don't think any of the comments I've heard over the years were meant to be hurtful or belittling. That isn't the point. I just think there are those who simply don't understand.

There's honestly no need to feel sorry for me or other adoptive parents because our precious children came to us via adoption. And please consider not inadvertently insulting my child or any other adopted child by thinking and saying such things. Your heart is likely in the right place. That's why I'm taking the time to lovingly let you know.

God forms families.

This isn't to say that there might not be some who feel grief over never having the experience of giving birth or having fewer biological babies than they had hoped. But maybe wait and let that person express that grief to you before assuming it's there. Not everyone feels the same way about these things.

Biological kids, or adopted kids, or a combo--it's God who made them and their parents a family, whatever the circumstances were that got them there. Hearts that were meant to intertwine in the form of a family don't have to be made from the same genes. In fact, genes have little to do with the true common heart of a family.

You know how I know that adoption isn't second-best? Because it's through adoption that God chose to make us His children. He talks about it all the time in His Word. It's different in ways, I know, but the concept is very real and very important to Him.

Bio-kids aren't better. Adopted kids aren't better. They're all the best!