Who's That Girl? (When You Wish You Were a Better Version of Yourself)

I'm super tired of myself right now.

Do you know what I mean?  I don't know if other people get tired of themselves sometimes, but I do--tired of struggling with the same old things; tired of feeling like I'm not understanding something, but having no idea what that something is; tired of my bangs flopping wherever they want to go; tired of toiling toward dreams that seem impossible, yet not being quite convinced to give up, even though the impossible-ness seems to grow with each step; tired of not being the best "me" possible.

I mean, surely there is a better version of myself up ahead, waiting for this version of me to catch up to her.  To become her.

But she's always out of sight; or at least I don't recognize her.  I don't know what she looks like or is like.  I don't yet know what she's going through to become herself.

As I write this, I realize the problem:  I'm too focused on self.  Not that self-evaluation is always bad, but my current self-reflection isn't productive.  It's self-pity.

Oh, how easily I take my eyes off the One who made me to be me; the One who beckoned me to get out of the boat; the One whose eyes can pierce right through me and all the stuff behind me but still loves me enough to invite me to share in His life and endless riches of love and acceptance.

He is between me and that better version of myself, and I keep trying to look around Him to see her, thinking for a moment that He loves her more than me.  But then He waves His hand to get my attention, and I look into His eyes and see the truth.  He loves this version of me every bit as much as that future shadow of myself--when hopefully I have become wiser and more loving and more self-controlled.

His love doesn't depend on how much I've grown or how far I have yet to go in this life.  He just loves me.  Period.  And He loves you, too.

And when I'm tired of myself, I can choose to stop thinking about myself so much and turn my focus back to Him, where I'm reminded there is rest for the weary.  There is sweet peace in spotlighting Him and how He wants me to minister to other people, rather than making myself the hub of my existence.

So, having thought this through in writing, I am tired still, but refreshed.  And I am becoming aware that I am right now in this moment a better version of myself than I was years ago, or even yesterday.  I'm the one I was chasing then.

There's hope for us both, friend.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."  2 Corinthians 5:17

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him." 1 John 3:1

"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."  Psalm 145:18

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